I am a little unsure where this post is coming from, I suppose I feel it is the ‘right’ time to write this after a few weeks pondering (I awoke this morning with pains in my left foot so have been unable to walk on it all day, so am taking this opportunity to write what has been on my mind…). I wanted to speak out, about speaking out.
I have always been a talker with those I feel confident and comfortable with, was shy at school (my teachers never believed I was a chatterbox when they came to meet my parents at parents evenings!), but then this gradually grew. I am not sure why my ability to talk to people started, but happened the first time I was admitted to hospital, so at the age of 16 could have been either being around people without being judged, or simply maturity. Who knows, the point of that is that I like to talk. My mother says I do not come up for air enough and frequently asks ‘do you ever shut up?’ (in a kind way, I might add).
For quite some time I have been quiet on social media, fearing it is not good for my mental health. I still stand by that, constant scrolling through my Instagram feed has negatively impacted my health when used negatively, but I do always enjoy reading what I call ‘proper blogs’ and popping on Instagram for a few minutes when I feel able. But, I would like to talk, maybe to help myself, however also to potentially help someone else feel less alone.
I have felt the need to bottle up, that nobody wants to hear, maybe they don’t, but does that matter? I have come to fear that I am a hypocrite, talking about ‘recovery’ when I’ve been floating, and with that I have feared talking. But I would like to, and recently I have come clean with others but mainly myself, and since then I have found it easier to talk physically, and I would like to share some of what I’d like to online properly too.
As positive (in some respects) this post sounds, not to add too much of a dampener, times feel very dark right now. However, I like to say (after a friend said this phrase and it stuck) that it is a tunnel not a hole, and there is a light at the end. I do fully believe that this darkness can and will end, but during this period of it getting lighter I would like to feel able to talk about what I’d like to and share it, sometimes just for myself and sometimes to help someone else feel less alone. It can feel so lonely, I keep feeling as though I am shut in a glass box (a bit like David Blaine…but to me it feels as though I am on the ground with people walking past and I am pushing my palms against the ‘walls’ shouting to be heard but nobody can hear), and I hope that by talking it could somehow change this.
Anyway, I will apologise for not being too cheery because, well, it is probably nicer to read a happier post, but equally it is important to embrace ‘all the feels’ too. As Dumbledore says ‘happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light’, and I do stand by that too.
Hopefully, I may post again soon 🙂